A Month Off

"Hey Jess its Pam, you can't do a cycle this month. He wants you to take a month off, come in on the 3rd and talk with him to see where to go next". Excuse me, its my money and my decision and if I want to go through with another then I will and you will just shut your mouth, take my money and do what you need to do. I don't have to wait, my clock is ticking, my husband is military so the chances of him being here tomorrow are slim and we want a baby!

I guess I should tell you a little about what is going on, huh? Well I am Jessica, I am 25 and married. My husband is a SSGT in the USAF, we are stationed out of Charleston SC, have 2 dogs well one dog and one miniature pony (Duke the Great Dane). We have been married 3 years coming up on 4 and have been TTC (trying to conceive) for over 2 going on 3. We have done 2 attempts on IUI's before my husband left on deployment but they were a no go due to what was thought to be a blocked right tube and both times the follicles were on the right instead of left. I went home during my husbands deployment in 2010 and started to experience some awful pain. I tried to have surgery in TX with my family but insurance was being a pain so I then returned home, attempted to wait out the pain until my husband came home (which was only a month) but my body was telling me no, you can't do that. So I went ahead and scheduled the surgery, the lovely air force sent my husband home early to me and everything was done. Turned out just to be some overly large cysts and Dr. said everything looked great, my right tube was even open! So with a smile on my face I headed back to the fertility Dr. and said lets do another IUI and lets get me pregnant! We started injections with follistim followed by an HCG trigger shot, had procedure and went straight into the 2ww (two week wait) which was the most horrific time of my life. It felt like those 2 weeks turned into a month. Took a pregnancy test and negative. I was OK, I understood this one was only the first time we were able to go through with this procedure so I felt a sense of pride come over me and said, "Let's do it again!" Called my Dr. back up told them I wanted to go for round two and well here we are. I had 2 mature follicles as opposed to last month which was only one and this time they were actually on my left instead of on the right so I felt like this was the one. I prayed, prayed and prayed. I spoke with God like I had never spoken to him before. School started back up for me so the 2ww went by fast especially with the help of my best friend and her family keeping me busy! I surely thought since I had no AF (aunt flow) symptoms this was it! I was excited to take a test and see that positive, that is until the "wicked witch of the west" showed her ugly face on the morning of Monday July 25th. I fell to my knees crying and asking God, "Why me, Why can't I have a kid, why can't we be parents and love that little child like they have never been loved before". I couldn't pull myself up, I called my husband and gave him the news, I went off on him because he was the only one I could really take all my anger and hate out on, which I know in no way was that right but he was available at the time. I hated God and I took it out on him as well and I got sick of hearing, "Everything is going to be alright, God has a plan". I understand that but where in his plan is a family for us, is a chance for me to become a mother and enjoy the experience of actually being pregnant. I am sorry Lord for everything I said and I know I must continue to have faith in you and believe that you do know what is in store for us, just know that sometimes during all of this it is hard to keep the faith. It is a emotional and physical roller coaster that seems to have no end and it gets harder and harder with every cycle one endures. I am happy for all the ones out there that can have kids and become parents but don't forget about the ones that can't because its hard on us to see you enjoying that time and loving a child. 

There Will Be A Day - Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have 
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that try's to grab 
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, 
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew 

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings 
That there will be a place with no more suffering 

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears 
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face 
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always 

I know the journey seems so long 
You feel your walking on your own 
But there has never been a step 
Where you’ve walked out all alone 

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart 
Cause joy and peace he brings 
And the beauty that’s in store 
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting 

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced 
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears 
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face 

There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.