One Foot In Front Of The Other

Today was a much better day, went to class this morning and spent some time around other human beings other than brad and my two dogs. I still had a hard time smiling and joking around like usual but the help of friends made it easier. Brad and I had a little bit of a argument last night about his opinion on thinking I am "milking" this sadness and that I really truly have no right to be upset over not having a baby. I could understand maybe a month or two has passed and I am still down in the dumps but it has only been 4 days and I only skipped class on monday, the day I found out. I have every right to be upset and I know that when I said, "I will never have a baby or I can't have a baby" wasn't true but I am just that, upset. I am tired of the cycles and everything it does to my body so I was venting and letting out some much needed anger. I know the good Lord will bless us with a child whether that is adopting or having one our own, I will have a child and be a mother but right now at this moment in time it's not gonna happen so therefore it is depressing. I received a phone call from Pam today explaining to me why it is they won't allow me to do another cycle this month. According to her Dr. wants me to maybe try some other medication but I told her that I believe my body is just now getting used to this medication and I am getting stronger with every cycle. I don't want to mix it up and try something else, maybe do another cycle on the same medication then if that doesn't work (praying it does though) then I will try a different medication. One thing at a time.

Taking a break from homework!

A. Age when you started TTC: 23

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex.

C. Children wanted: I always wanted 2 but will be happy with just one for now.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children:  2 dogs, well 1 dog and 1 miniature pony.

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Nothing. Just prenatals & folic acid.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Follistim, HCG, Metformin

G. Gain: A lot due to all these medicines. :(

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Test one determined right tube blocked but laparoscopic surgery confirmed nothing going on with tubes and test two came out clear! very painful test though.

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: Being treated like I'm some stressed out maniac by people who just.don't.get.it. People acting like the inability to have a child is not a good enough reason to be upset. And not being listened to when I try to respond to asshole comments like "But you can adopt right?"

J. Job title: Air Force Wife - That says enough! and Full Time Student

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Kayleigh Jean, Rhyleigh Jean, Blain Douglas, Ryan Douglas, Hayden Douglas, my list can go on and on

L. Length of time TTC: 2 years, 6 months, 3 weeks and 5 days. to be exact.

M. Miscarriages: one and pray it never happens again.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: none

O. Ovarian quality: Good..as far as I know!

P. POAS or wait for AF: Depends on how busy I am during the 2WW and if I am not busy then I POAS almost every day and I don't know why because I just set myself up every single time and it always turns out the same.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "You don't really want all this crap anyway do you?" Said by my wonderful friend after her kid spilled a drink on my floor.  My answer.. Yes...yes I do. 

S. Sperm: great! apparently he's got a bunch of great little swimmers out there ready to fertilize. 

T. Time you tried naturally: Couldn't really try on our own with no periods. but twice due to Dr.'s orders.


U. Uterus quality: Very good.

V. Vagina: uhhh.. Good as far as I know :)

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: none :(

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Mostly everyone. All of our friends and close family. Others know it's a struggle..just not all the details.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I didn't this year because i'm always at the fertility Dr.'s. 

Z. Zits: I've always been lucky in this department. I get the occasional breakout here and there. 

Just Stay Busy

It is 11:15 on Wednesday and I have exactly 7 hours and 45 min until Brad comes home, I am going to go crazy. I have so much homework I need to do and should be doing but for some reason I can't seem to lose myself in it all. Brad is on alert and was supposed to stay on base last night but he so kindly stayed at the house with me because I didn't want to be alone. He tells me to stay busy and get out, go see shannon (my best friend), go to the mall, do whatever but I don't have the energy to get up, get dressed and drive. Lazy. Instead I sit here writing and watching a marathon of "Life With Ryan" about an adorable professional skater and his crazy hectic life. My mom should remember this show, I used to watch it sometimes with her at home. I had a heart to heart talk with God yesterday to let him know I was extremely sorry for hating him and blaming him for all that I am going through. I know it is not his fault and that I should be blessed with everything he has given me so far. I have the opportunity to attend college at no expense to me and especially the opportunity to receive my degree in something I love so much, photography. An amazing husband who loves me more than anything in the world and is beside me every step of the way through all of this and understands I am hurt so he comforts me. A family whom I miss so incredibly much but their love for me will never stop no matter how far it has to stretch and even their support through it all. Last but not least my friends, my wonderful friends whom I have met through school. The ones who will always have a place in my heart no matter where the military takes us but for now I hope no where so I can stay here with them.
Today was to be day three and I was supposed to be able to go into the Dr. to start another IUI cycle but for some reason Pam won't allow me to do so and wants me to come in and speak with Dr. Patton about what's next. I am not to excited about that and I am terrified he won't allow us to do another IUI and will make us go straight into IVF which I am not ready for that yet. To be honest I don't know if I want to put myself through IVF, it will take some time to think about it all but I don't know until I speak with him.
Well I better go for now because Duke is bugging me yet again to let him out and I guess thats my sign to start homework and finally finish it.

A Month Off

"Hey Jess its Pam, you can't do a cycle this month. He wants you to take a month off, come in on the 3rd and talk with him to see where to go next". Excuse me, its my money and my decision and if I want to go through with another then I will and you will just shut your mouth, take my money and do what you need to do. I don't have to wait, my clock is ticking, my husband is military so the chances of him being here tomorrow are slim and we want a baby!

I guess I should tell you a little about what is going on, huh? Well I am Jessica, I am 25 and married. My husband is a SSGT in the USAF, we are stationed out of Charleston SC, have 2 dogs well one dog and one miniature pony (Duke the Great Dane). We have been married 3 years coming up on 4 and have been TTC (trying to conceive) for over 2 going on 3. We have done 2 attempts on IUI's before my husband left on deployment but they were a no go due to what was thought to be a blocked right tube and both times the follicles were on the right instead of left. I went home during my husbands deployment in 2010 and started to experience some awful pain. I tried to have surgery in TX with my family but insurance was being a pain so I then returned home, attempted to wait out the pain until my husband came home (which was only a month) but my body was telling me no, you can't do that. So I went ahead and scheduled the surgery, the lovely air force sent my husband home early to me and everything was done. Turned out just to be some overly large cysts and Dr. said everything looked great, my right tube was even open! So with a smile on my face I headed back to the fertility Dr. and said lets do another IUI and lets get me pregnant! We started injections with follistim followed by an HCG trigger shot, had procedure and went straight into the 2ww (two week wait) which was the most horrific time of my life. It felt like those 2 weeks turned into a month. Took a pregnancy test and negative. I was OK, I understood this one was only the first time we were able to go through with this procedure so I felt a sense of pride come over me and said, "Let's do it again!" Called my Dr. back up told them I wanted to go for round two and well here we are. I had 2 mature follicles as opposed to last month which was only one and this time they were actually on my left instead of on the right so I felt like this was the one. I prayed, prayed and prayed. I spoke with God like I had never spoken to him before. School started back up for me so the 2ww went by fast especially with the help of my best friend and her family keeping me busy! I surely thought since I had no AF (aunt flow) symptoms this was it! I was excited to take a test and see that positive, that is until the "wicked witch of the west" showed her ugly face on the morning of Monday July 25th. I fell to my knees crying and asking God, "Why me, Why can't I have a kid, why can't we be parents and love that little child like they have never been loved before". I couldn't pull myself up, I called my husband and gave him the news, I went off on him because he was the only one I could really take all my anger and hate out on, which I know in no way was that right but he was available at the time. I hated God and I took it out on him as well and I got sick of hearing, "Everything is going to be alright, God has a plan". I understand that but where in his plan is a family for us, is a chance for me to become a mother and enjoy the experience of actually being pregnant. I am sorry Lord for everything I said and I know I must continue to have faith in you and believe that you do know what is in store for us, just know that sometimes during all of this it is hard to keep the faith. It is a emotional and physical roller coaster that seems to have no end and it gets harder and harder with every cycle one endures. I am happy for all the ones out there that can have kids and become parents but don't forget about the ones that can't because its hard on us to see you enjoying that time and loving a child. 

There Will Be A Day - Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have 
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that try's to grab 
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, 
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew 

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings 
That there will be a place with no more suffering 

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears 
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face 
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always 

I know the journey seems so long 
You feel your walking on your own 
But there has never been a step 
Where you’ve walked out all alone 

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart 
Cause joy and peace he brings 
And the beauty that’s in store 
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting 

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced 
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears 
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face 

There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the stains, He’ll wipe away the tears, He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day.